Plan of Attack
by PhaiFan
Summary: Alexander obsesses, Hephaestion distracts him.


**This is based on the movie Alexander, or more accurately, scenes I wish they had shown! I do not own the story or any of the characters, though if I could...I would love to own the beautiful Hephaestion!**

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><p><strong>Summary: Alexander obsesses, Hephaestion distracts him.<strong>

** Playful Hephaestion is back! Yeah!**

**Rating: M for a couple potty words**

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><p>Alexander paced the room, his mind a blur of activity. He had assembled his generals to discuss the upcoming battle with Darius. Darius was building up a huge army, and Alexander wanted to gather information from his scouts and present it to the generals. He knew they were going to be vastly outnumbered, but he was Alexander, after all, and he had no doubt he would devise the perfect plan for their victory. No plans had been solidified yet, however. This was a strictly a brainstorming session.<p>

Hephaestion stood calmly, arms crossed, quietly observing everything in his usual dignified manner. He knew that Alexander had tunnel vision at this point, and would obsess over things and keep them there all night if not distracted. Speaking of distractions, he thought that Alexander looked really hot in that short chiton, with his tanned, muscular legs and nice tight butt. He looked away quickly so no one would catch him practically drooling.

The model army, which Alexander kept rearranging, was spread over the floor of the tent. He picked up one of the model cavalrymen and knocked over a few model foot soldiers. He looked pleased with himself. "Take that, Darius".

Hephaestion bit back a smile. He loved it when the king played with his toys.

Alexander was making everyone dizzy, trying to keep up with him as he continued to pace the floor, talking to himself. It was more of a brainstorming session with himself. Most of the generals sat patiently, knowing that eventually he would simply tell them how they would proceed.

"Okay", he began, "all I have decided to this point is that we have to find a way to break their line and get to Darius himself. He no doubt will position himself in the center, behind his chariots and his best infantry. I am also quite certain he will place Bessus in charge of most of his cavalry. I am sure he will try to flank us, so we must guard against that. If he is allowed to do so, the results would not be so good for us." He looked around the room. It had been a very long day, and he wasn't even sure half of them were listening. He caught Hephaestion's eyes, seeking some sort of acknowledgment.

Hephaestion crossed his eyes, still trying not to smile.

Alexander frowned.

Craterus spoke up. "What of the offer that Darius has made? He has offered to cede half the Persian Empire to you if you will, well, leave the rest alone. Have you given this any consideration?"

Several of the other generals nodded, thinking it to be a fair idea in lieu of facing Darius' daunting army.

"If I were Alexander", said Parmenion, "I would accept this more-than-generous offer".

Alexander stopped pacing and smiled at his trusted general. "As would I, if I were Parmenion."

Snickers were heard around the room.

Craterus groaned. Several of the others looked down, avoiding Alexander's eyes.

It was clear they were going to battle. Alexander had not given the proposal any consideration whatsoever. It was also unknown to the rest of the generals that he had discussed all this with Hephaestion over breakfast this morning. That decision had been made right away, and they had already been discussing their strategy.

Hephaestion, therefore, was bored and tired. The meeting had droned on and on, and not much had been accomplished. He thought most of the other generals were complete morons at times. They could fight with the best, for sure, but they had the manners and tact of a wild ass.

Alexander was annoyed. Sometimes his generals could be so thickheaded. It was obvious that a good many of them were not so anxious to go to war. Again, he caught Hephaestion's eyes, hoping to see some encouragement there.

Hephaestion rolled his eyes and bit his lip, trying not to laugh.

Alexander shot him a stern look, which only made Hephaestion want to laugh more.

"Look, I know this is going to be a difficult battle. If I did not think we could win this, I would come up with different plan. If any of you have a better idea, I am all ears."

There was silence in the room, again most of the generals avoiding Alexander's eyes. Craterus and Antigonus looked at each other, irritated that Alexander had not even considered Darius' offer. Ptolemy, as usual, sided with Alexander and rolled his eyes at the others.

Alexander snorted and stomped his foot. Sometimes he felt like was trying to lead a bunch of spoiled children.

Once again, he looked at Hephaestion.

Hephaestion simply smirked at him, and then shrugged.

Alexander looked very annoyed.

"So," he said. "No one has any ideas at all?"

He received blank stares in return. Perdiccas yawned. Cassander, who had apparently nodded off, nearly fell off his stool. Antigonus snickered. Cleitus sneered at everyone.

Hephaestion bit his lip again, trying very hard not to laugh. He didn't think Alexander would be amused, and he would certainly not endear himself to the other generals if he blatantly laughed at them.

Alexander looked at Hephaestion again. Big mistake.

Hephaestion grinned and winked.

Alexander tried to look angry, but corner of his mouth twitched as he tried not to smile. Damn Hephaestion!

Hephaestion still stood, leaning against a pole, quite amused by it all. He finally spoke. "Why don't you demonstrate some of your ideas with the models, Alexander?" Another smirk

The others looked at him, not sure if he was serious. His face showed no emotion, but Alexander could see the humor dancing in his eyes. He was so going to kill him after this meeting.

Ptolemy could see what Hephaestion was doing, and was now trying hard not to laugh himself.

Alexander turned his attention on Hephaestion. He picked up one of the model cavalry. "Well, I suppose the king…that would be me, Hephaestion….could attack from behind and seriously kick the ass of an insolent general…that would be you, Hephaestion….who is not being helpful in the least!" With that, he took his cavalry figure and knocked over another model horseman.

Cleitus actually snickered. He would have paid money to see Alexander kick Hephaestion's ass.

Hephaestion fixed Alexander with a brilliant smile.

Craterus rolled his eyes. "Here they go," he thought.

Parmenion looked back and forth between them, deciding that nothing else constructive was going to come out of this meeting. "Alexander, may I suggest we adjourn this meeting and pick it up again tomorrow after we've all had time to think things through? It has been a long day, and it appears we are not at our best."

Alexander shook his head. "That is putting it mildly, my friend."

Alexander had his back to Hephaestion as he spoke with Parmenion, so he did not see him take one of the model soldiers and lean it over a block, then place another soldier draped over the backside of the first one.

Once again, snickers were heard around the room. Cleitus rolled his eyes, as usual, making a face like he had just bitten into a lemon.

Ptolemy was trying desperately not to laugh, so he looked at the ground, his shoulders shaking slightly.

Craterus thought Hephaestion was being childish and fixed him with an angry glare. Hephaestion winked at him, which just made him look even more pissed.

Perdiccas thought it amusing that the men were playing with the models. He caught Hephaestion's eyes and chuckled.

Parmenion heard the snickering and turned around to look at them. He sighed, giving up on the meeting altogether at this point.

Alexander turned and scanned the room, looking at all his supposedly strong and mighty generals. The ones who weren't snickering already were either looking at the ceiling, studying their sandals, or just looked totally pissed off. He looked at Hephaestion, who poked his tongue out at Alexander and grinned again. "I'm going to fucking kill him", he thought.

His annoyed look only seemed to amuse Hephaestion more. Hephaestion inclined his head towards the figures on the floor. "What other maneuvers might we try, my king? Perhaps something a little unconventional? A rear attack perhaps?"

Ptolemy was about to lose it. Cleitus grumbled something nasty under his breath.

"Hephaestion, what in Hades are you talking about?" He looked at the figures on the floor, finally seeing the two soldiers that Hephaestion had placed in a compromising position. "Oh for fucks sake, Hephaestion! You are helping nothing!" He tried to look angry, but his lips twitched and his eyes crinkled in the corners like they did when he laughed or smiled. "And what, pray tell, do you call this maneuver?"

Hephaestion appeared thoughtful. "A back passage assault? Divide and conquer? Shafting the enemy? Spreading the flanks? Sticking it to them? "

Ptolemy burst out laughing, not able to hold it in any longer. The others who had been snickering quietly lost it as well. Even Parmenion, who had tried to keep things together, laughed now. Cleitus growled.

Alexander chewed his lower lip. He put his hands on his hips and tried to look stern again. "That's it! Get out, all of you! It seems we are finished here. Assemble here in the morning after breakfast and we will try to get something done!"

The cackling generals streamed out of the tent, still laughing. Poor Ptolemy had tears in his eyes. He leaned over and whispered to Hephaestion "You are in big trouble, friend." He grinned and walked out.

Cleitus was one of the last to leave. "Wait for it….." he thought.

Alexander spoke in a commanding voice. "General Amyntor! Remain behind. I need to speak with you!"

"_There_ it is", Cleitus thought. It made him want to puke. He walked away quickly.

As soon as the other generals were gone, Alexander closed the flap on the tent and turned towards Hephaestion. He crossed his arms and studied the general for a moment, his eyes narrowed slightly.

Hephaestion might have been concerned he had gone too far if he hadn't noticed the little crinkles were still in the corners of Alexander's eyes. He knew that even if he was annoyed with him, he was already forgiven.

"Do you mind telling me what that was all about, Hephaestion?"

Hephaestion smiled softly at his king and best friend. "Alexander, you yourself have told me many times that when you become obsessive, I need to distract you. I did, and it worked. That meeting was getting quite long, and the men were barely listening to you any more. You were having a conversation with yourself while they all watched. I knew if I didn't distract you, you would pace about like that for hours."

Alexander studied his friend's face for a moment, and then sighed. "You are right, as usual, Hephaestion. We were getting nowhere and I had pretty much tuned them out as much as they had done so with me." He laughed softly. "You know how I get."

Hephaestion chuckled. "Aye, that I do."

Alexander looked down at the figurines spread about the floor and cocked an eyebrow. "Really, Hephaestion…were the two mating soldiers really necessary?"

"Well, it got your attention and lightened the mood in here, did it not?"

Alexander ran a finger down the side of Hephaestion's face, drawing a shiver from the taller man. "You are quite good at distracting me, love."

Hephaestion smiled warmly at his king, his eyes alight with a mischievous sparkle. "Speaking of that, Alexander…I was having a very hard time concentrating on anything for watching you strut around in that short chiton, looking all tan and muscular and hot." He leaned his body against Alexander's. "Yes, it was hard. _Very_ hard." He punctuated that statement with a push of his hips so Alexander could see just how hard it had been. And still was.

Alexander gasped, and then put his arms around Hephaestion, holding him tightly against his body. He leaned in and gently nibbled his lower lip, which made Hephaestion shiver again. He slid his fingers up into Hephaestion's long hair, pressing his mouth with a deep kiss before pulling away again. He leaned back and looked into the crystal blue eyes of his lover.

"Come, Hephaestion. Let us go to my tent. I think we should test out some of the maneuvers you spoke of earlier. Perhaps all of them."

Hephaestion smiled as they made their way to Alexander's tent. Alexander, King of Macedon and commander of the mighty Greek army, might be brilliant at winning wars, but Hephaestion had won this little battle with perfect precision.

They were not seen again until after breakfast the next morning.


End file.
